just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize