Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
