So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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