is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
