census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Michael Bay diarrhea
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
