You're my little dorito
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
