I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
