I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We had to coat check the pizza.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
