So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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