Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
