Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
