pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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