i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
vagina is talking i cant
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
