If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
