Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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