I can tuck mytits in my pants
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
