i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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