party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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