My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
