Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
