I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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