She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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