somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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