She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
