that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize