The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
