my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
