Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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