Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
