please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
