I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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