so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
