So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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