quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
