Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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