i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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