what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
