I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
