remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
