you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
