Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
