he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
