I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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