I have demons in me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
