I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
