hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
