He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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