I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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