im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
