haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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