I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
