Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I want her autograph on my taint
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
