he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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