I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
