At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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