It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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