I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
