So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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