I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I forget how to act sober
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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