Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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