that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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